The…(sigh) Emoji Movie

You know… I could have watched anything today. I really could have, I could have been sitting to Valerian, I could be chilling with Baby Driver… or hell, I could watched Captain Underpants and remembered the childhood most of us in Britain have. But no…

Oh no…

I didn’t watch underpants, I watched whatever lives in them…  PATRICK STEWART… playing… a literal shit with a literally shit kid.

The Emoji Movie
Director: Tony Leondis
Writers: Tony Leondis, Eric Siegel, Mike White
Actors: T.J Miller, James Corden, Anna Faris, Sir Patrick Stewart
Release Date: Today here… sadly…

ITDIDACRUSHCANDYVIRUS.jpg
I would tell you to download this for free, but I’m not a Sony executive.

Have you ever cared about a phone? More importantly, the apps that make your phone? Do you love Dropbox as a student, do you care about Facebook in any capacity… maybe you Just Dance but you know I have a hunch that Sony really, really don’t care about their own products. Nothing screams more of a cash grab that a movie solefully about shoving apps down your throats by making the protagonist something already downed our throats.

I mean, emojis? Really… of course! WHY WOULDN’T YOU!? Think about the kids, those little brats who constantly send you Patrick Stewart images in class, the ones who think farting elephants are funny… the ones who find meh faces and poop jokes to be hilarious and us blind to taste.

Well just let T.J. Miller remind me, over the course of 80 minutes (give or take, I didn’t care to count) why you stopped sending texts in the first place. No, it’s not because your mother annoys you constantly with you… no, it’s because the plot of this movie is so paper thin it’s a set of images you never want to use in the first place.

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This is me after viewing legal torture.

You know, going into a phone isn’t actually a bad idea. Wreck-It Ralph showed us that even games can make for interesting movie locations but that’s only because of good writing and a set of characters that you can care about and are, for the most part misusing cameos, unique or original. What The Emoji Movie shows us is simple, Wildstyle actually being Vanelope Von Sweetz and possibly the dumbest feminist in the galaxy wallpaper.

The message for this movie was a good one, be yourself. Be who you want to be. It’s all about stereotypes and breaking molds but in the end the only likable character, Jailbreak of all people, a woman who throws out her past as a princess to be herself , at the end of the movie does the one thing she didn’t want to do… become a fucking Princess again. Why? Well, there’s only thing to blame to blame: the Screenplay.

That goes all around by the way, the jokes are even worse if you can picture them. When Shit literally hits the fan, when a Shrimp says he’ll “throw himself on the barbie” (only to land in a Prawn Cocktail, I can’t make this bad a joke if I were blindfolded) with the most annoying Australia accent you can possibly believe… and finally when out of the blue, a princess’s whistle causes the Twitter bird to swoop down from the Clouds of Digital Heaven and makes me want to watch Lord of the Rings again. At least the griffins weren’t a poor addition.

“Do you poop jokes? BECAUSE WE HAVE TONS OF THEM” The Emoji Movie will tell you, saying shit like “We’re Number Two!” and that it’s “Hopefully not too soft” to be taken seriously and forgetting exactly what you have to do to be taken seriously as a comedy.

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“Do we wash our hands?” Well yes kid, that is hygienic after all.

But you know what the real issue I have is… I went to see Kubo and the Two Strings and the Peanuts Movie this year, two fantastically animated, well-rounded and amazing movies this year and this one movie, where Patrick Stewart plays a literal interpretation of his acting career in recent years (It all went downhill after Logan, damn you Logan), had more people sitted in one screening. The worst thing: It was a full house practically. You know what’s worse? I heard a kid actually laugh at this… Patrick Stewart… and say it’s a good movie.

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Patrick Stewart, thankfully not as shit.

In short, I can sum up this entire movie in just one… image…

Poop.png

Would I recommend the Emoji Movie? No… I don’t recommend viruses to people, and I most certainly do not recommend Patrick Stewart to people.

I’m sorry Patrick Stewart, this role meant you had it coming.

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